Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
