That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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