Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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