he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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