I got chris browned last night
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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