Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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