they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
