I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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