I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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