Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
