Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
