if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
