Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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