Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
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Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
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How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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