In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
