3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
