I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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