I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
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If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
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It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
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