my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
should my penis look like a turkey
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
