I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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