Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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