Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
my liver is dry heaving
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
