I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
