but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Randomize
