I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
