you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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