you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You don't make any sense
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