he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
