Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He shit in the fireplace
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
