At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
