So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
