i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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