i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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