So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
