chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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