Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
