I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
