Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
