mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
what day is it and did you see me today?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Randomize
