At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
