i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
