it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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