I wish my penis had an off switch
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize