Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
