I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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