I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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