i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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