I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
They are going to name an STD after you.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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