Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Bring me that man meat
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
