I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
