I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my shit smells like andre
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
