we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize