I can text with my tongue
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
