i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
