Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
