her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
